Tired

I can't even begin to describe how exhausted I am.  I had to call John to come home last night because I felt like I just couldn't function anymore.  It's hard (yet completely wonderful) being the only person with her all day AND all night.  The lack of sleep and the toll it takes on your body is unreal.  I tried to explain that I needed some time for ME to heal and sleep and get the rest I need, and that got met with an overwhelming disapproval of everything.  I understand her needs come before mine and I understand that how I feel isn't important anymore, but when I ask for help (after I've been told anytime that's fine) and genuinely need it, don't throw it in my face that I am not putting her needs before mine. 

Sometimes we all need help and it's hard to ask for it in the first place.  I really feel down right now and I feel like no one understand where I'm at.  I love Marilyn more than anything in this world and LOVE being a Mom again, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified.  I thought I was doing everything right with Taryn, and look what happened.  I constantly question everything I'm doing now because I don't know what really is right.  I just want the best outcome (which obviously is her surviving past 2 months and 22 days), but the constant questioning of my abilities as a mother and if I'm doing everything right is just eating at me.  John keeps telling me "you have to believe you can do it," but if I'm not getting the support I need how can I do that? It's emotionally exhausting and I just don't know what to do right now.

I guess one day, one hour, even one minute at a time is the way to go.  Thank GOD for all the advice from our SIDS support group.  I just am SO exhausted right now and feel like I'm not really truely enjoying the time I have with her because I'm constantly worried.  I need to slow down and relax... then maybe the pieces will fall into place.

On a happier note... Marilyn and I put up the fall decorations yesterday!! I just have a few more Mums to pot and we'll be set for the season! LOVE LOVE LOVE this time of year!

Marilyn Gail

SHE'S HERE!!!

Marilyn Gail, 9/3/11 6lbs 14 oz, 20 1/4 inches long!! And she's perfect and beautiful!!

Name Change

I'm very ready for fall and everything that that includes!  From cool blustery days, to pumpkins and hot apple crisp, football games, and hay rides and all the other fun stuff fall brings!  It will be so nice to have some time off to enjoy it and relax at home (well as much as I can lol)!

On a second/side note... we decided to change the name for our baby.  She was going to be Emalyn Eloise, but after about a month of both of us not liking it before we said anything, we've decided on something else.  We aren't sharing until she gets here, but we are very excited and happy about it!

I need to find some new recipes!! allrecipes.com has some great stuff, but I'm in the mood for something completely different... I need to find somewhere to look... :)

In the beginning

I always seem to have a million things on my mind, and the hardest time focusing on what to bring to the front.  I'm never sure where to start or what to comment on first, and today doesn't seem to be any different.  I think I'll start with what I know. 

I know that I'm about to give birth (literally any day now), and I'm excited and terrified all at the same time.  Our Daughter Taryn  was born healthy and beautiful on November 3rd, 2009, and after 3 unbelievably happy and scary months was taken from us during her afternoon nap on January 25th, 2010 to be an Angel.  It's taken us 18 months to get to this point of calm and acceptance and now the roller-coaster is about to begin again.  I know we are leaving our thoughts with God, and that he will make sure everything is ok, but it is extremely terrifying to know your child can die unexpectedly, and then try and start over again.  I also know that in some way, shape or form she visits us and causes trouble, and (weird as it may seem) makes her presence known via Watson (our lhasa-poo with more personality than some people I know).

I know that I LOVE to read Good Housekeeping and Better Homes and Gardens, and that I dream of having my house look like it was taken right out of a magazine someday.  Somehow I know that won't be anytime soon, and when I look at one thing my mind moves on to 35 other things that I'd like to do.  I really need to start making a "list of ideas" and then put "pictures with the lists" so I remember what I like lol...

I know that I LOVE to cook and bake and that I'm darn good at it!  I can eye-ball most of my recipes and have the ability to randomly throw things together and make them taste good.  So I'll be sharing my "random recipes" from time to time, especially when I find something that must be made again. 

I also know that life is hard and that things don't come easy.  If you want to succeed at something you have to work at it.  With a lot of patience (which I lack) and a lot of prayer anything can happen!

Oh and one last thing I know... 30 consecutive days of 95 degree heat will kill all of your outside flowers if you forget to water them.  And bunnies are the devil on earth when it comes to vegetables and trying to grow ANYTHING.